Gentlemen, let's talk about what Spirit's beard says about him:

"¡Buenos dias! Yo soy Spirit's Beard! Nice to meet your acquaintance! Spirit is the type of man that would hike to the top of a mountain and then take a selfie with a grizzly bear. He's earned his beard chopping wood and drinking maple syrup straight from the bottle. Although rugged on the outside, Spirit is soft as his flannel shirt on the inside. He's fearless, intellectual, a holy dude, and a true outdoorsman. He loves his beard because he IS the beard."

Spirit, what does my facial hair say about me?

Well, as you know I am in the business of psychoanalyzing temperaments. So if you really want to know where you stand you gotta take this QUIZ that Paul Mitchell Schools created with their fine humor and years of experience!

Dearest Beardless Dudes,

I'm not implying that men without a chin full of win aren't winners! All I'm saying is that Leonardo DiCaprio didn't win an Oscar until he grew a beard! Now let's discuss this: What would a lion look like without his mane? It's a scientific fact: growing a beard increases brain strength by 75% according to a majorly biased poll taken by Spirit's Beard. To prove this let's ponder upon this statistical fact herewith below: 

145 days!

Do you know how many chapters one can read in that insane amount of time?! And of course, reading never turned anyone into a dud. So there you have it. Reason stands that stroking of beard increases concentration and cognitive abilities by 75%. Contrary, shaving makes you less intelligent. So what will it be Beardless Dudes of the world...

...DUD or a SMART STUD?

On the same wavelength, growing a beard, or more appropriately, shaving stunts ones ability to grow closer to God. Let's go back to the 145 day. Do you know how many rosaries you can knock out in 145 days?! Mr. Beardless Dude, the beard transmits the message to the world that you spend more time in MORNING PRAYER than MORNING PRIMPING!

It is also a fact that growing a beard makes you strong. Don't believe me? Ask our good ol' buddy Samson:

"I don't care what you say, Spirit, GENTLEMEN are clean-shaven!"

Spirit's response: "I totally understand. A beard would not complement to feminine look you're going for. Keep shaving. As for me in my face, we will wear the beard. May your excess estrogen bring you peace in this time of beardlessness. Oh! And be careful when shaving you wouldn't want to get shaving cream on your blouse."

Verbatim of Interview between steven colbert AND SPirit & Spirit's beard: 

SC: "Because you are a mountain biker, I assume you put on a helmet on your head. Does Spirit's Beard need a helmet?"

SB: "Helmet will protect my head. Beard will protect itself."

SC: "I hear you are quite the eater, does food ever get caught in your beard?"

SB: "The only thing that get's caught in Spirit Beard is magnificence."

SC: "Did you invent "No Shave November" and, if so, why?"

SB: "Yes. To offer the beardless an opportunity to come to the beardy and brilliant side."

SC: "10-year-old, Kevin asks, 'My dad doesn't have a beard. What does that mean?'"

SB: "If your dad doesn't have a beard you've got to moms."

SC: "Billy Bob from Montana asks if you can recommend any products so his beard can look like Spirit Beard?"

SB: "Definitely, we must tame the mane. So he can pray and ask my buddy and fellow beard enthusiast, Saint Augustine, to enlighten him. 

SC: "This one is from Paul over in the North Pole. What kinda of jacket do you wear in the winter?"

SB: "Real men grow their own scarf."

SC: "Did your wife fall in love with you or the beard?"

SB: "She married me for love. She stayed for the beard."

SC: "Blake, from Austin, Texas says, 'My wife won't let me grow a beard. How can I convince her?"

SB: "Did you say, your wife won't let you? What, did you marry your mother? Listen, Blake, he who sacrifices his beard for a woman deserves neither. My condolences on shaving and your utter lack of testosterone."

SC: "Paul from New York City wrote on his employer asking him to shave and how he should respond."

SB: "If your work asks you to shave, tell them it's against your religion. If they ask what religion, tell them 'Man.'"

SC: "Speaking of religion, Brad over in Utah says that his religion does not allow the growing of beards. What say you?"

SB: "It's okay, Steven. Not everyone can be bearded. Someone has to stand on the side and clap as we walk by."

SC: "Now don't the Catholic monks, the Capuchins and Franciscans, actually have it in their constitution to grow a beard?"

SB: "I believe so, Steven. I believe their First Constitution prescribed the wearing of the beard so as to imitate Christ the saints of their Order and since it is something manly, natural, severe, depised and austere. The way I see it, Steven, he who shaves is telling God 'you made a mistake but I will fix it.' And that's not cool! I think now is an opportune time to quote Saint Beardrick when he said:

SC: "You know, C.H. Spurgeon also said that 'Growing a beard is a habit most natural, scriptural, manly, and beneficial.'"

SB: "That's correct my good friend. So what happened to your beard, Steven?"

SC: "Well, we're not talking about my facial hair we are here to talk about yours."

SB: "You call it facial hair. I call it awesomeness escaping through my face, oozing out through my pores. On a serious note, Steven. Spirit Beard misses Steven Beard. Look, I even brought a picture of it."

*AUDIENCE LAUGHS*

SC: "And the last question is from Jean Paul from France: 'Is there ever a reason to shave?'"

SB: "Bonjour Jean Paul, the only reason to shave your beard is for the joy of growing it again."

~ BEARD FACTS ~

• Natural bear repellent when camping or wandering in the woods. 
• Acts as a homing beacon attracting the jealousy and admiration of the beardless. 
• Automatically knows how to change a tire.
• Dramatically increases your wood-chopping capabilities. 
• Fits on your face. 
• Lets you instinctually know where the nearest mountain is.
• Quadruples handsomeness.
• Beards are almost completely immune to sarcasm. 
• Science has shown that beards rarely sleep.
• Badge of manhood.
• A friendly face.
• It's a buddy.

YAY

• Grow a beard.
• Clap when a beard walks by.